Dark Roses

A Letter to the Loved One!

Dear Love,

Even if, it might sound empty, but my life has been like a roller coaster. There are times when I go so high up that I could touch the sky and other times I go down as if the earth has swollen me.

You are like my life, I have experienced a roller coaster with you. At first, we were warming up. But I did not know that roller coaster warms up for either a quick up or a breathtaking down.

I have lived both with you, I have seen what life looks like with and without you. I realized how much impactful you were. And how I always feel that you are missing from my life after you have left.

It is a breathtaking down. It took my breath of life, I never had the chance to get it back, And I will never be able to…

Though I might have lost my breath, I still have hope that keeps my heart beating. I did not choose to have hope myself. My mind, my heart and my soul are just addicted to it. I am not bothered, it is a healthy addiction after all, because without it. Life would be lifeless, It already is.

“bye for now.” You said.

It was just a simple goodbye for now, but I felt that my heart has stopped by the time you said it, I sensed that it is the last words I might ever hear from you. It was like the word farewell was hiding behind or in between the lines.

“No, just talk to you later,” I said.

I was trying to save the last minute I had with you. I wanted to feel less scared and regain my hope back.

This was the exact moment when the roller coaster started to go down, I was expecting the up soon, but it kept on going down, so deep down and very slowly in a very painful manner. I started to suffocate. To fight within me, between certainty and doubt, between hope and despair and between giving up and keeping on waiting. But I realized that the more I go down, the more I get to know the love I have for you.

Perfection is not the right word to describe it. Because perfection does not exist, but to fall in love with the imperfection has a deeper meaning. It is honest. It is beautiful, and it is real.

This is the roller coaster going down, despite the fact that I am still going down at the time I am writing this, I will finish up the letter with what it looked like to go high up, I was able to touch the sky just with a look into your eyes.

“Everything you can imagine is real.” – Pablo Picasso

My heart skipped a beat, Then it started beating Quick, it was pumping as if it wanted to break through my chest. My hand was shaking along with a smile on my face. I took a deep breath to be able to handle what I was going through when I first feel your love.

After months of taking off and warming up. That time suddenly felt different from what I originally used to feel towards you.

“I feel different this time,” I told you.

I started to see a new side of you, that made the roller coaster go high up all at once. And even, it flew away from the railway because of how powerful the push was. A rush of adrenaline and love in my veins.

I can’t forget how excited you were,  the effort you put,  your passion, your accurate words, and being so careful so you won’t hurt me, and keeping me safe.

But as we know if the roller coaster goes up it must go down somewhere at any time, that is what exactly happened.

3 month without you, I thought that I will be able to forget you but I could not. I thought I will be able to move on with my feelings, but my heart and my mind stopped at your station and they refused to move without you.

After the downs, there are the ups. After 85 days, You are here again. I felt as intense as I first feel your love. It is like every cell in my body has been renewed and regenerated.

But I came to know the reason behind your absence. I was in shock, that I felt so happy about your return and sad because of what happened to you. I was smiling and crying. All of the opposite feelings happened to me all at once.

After 3 days, You had to go, again… but this time with no return, the force was powerful than your will.

and that is the roller coaster going down and as I have talked about it earlier, it never went up again.

I wished we had more time, I wished we have talked more, I wished I could be able to create more memories with you. But I am forced to accept life as the way it is. My last hope is fading. And the wound in my heart will remain open, it will keep on bleeding from within. The thought of you on my mind will keep on sending singles to my body to function properly, but without that touch of your hand, My soul will remain cold.

I go insane when I thought that I will never be able to look into your green eyes, nor I will never be able to be surrounded by your arms.

I used to always imagine my future with you, but now I will just try to live day by day. Where will life take me? or where will I take my life? I no longer know…

“In another life, I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
In another life, I would make you stay
So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away” – Katy Perry, The One That Got Away.

I love you. Period, But I had to bring my high hopes down by just Letting go and moving on before I lose myself… But then I realized that the only way I would lose myself was by losing you. 

The hope in me never left, it was always there. I was trying to neglect it, but I could not. My hope and My instinct were always right about you.

Definitely, my hope was there for a reason, and How I feel is real and honest.

Your Devil,
Sam.

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