Dear Younger Self,
You were stronger than I am now.
You went through a lot of atrocious events, but you stood like a mountain. You cried and screamed, but you were strong.
Maybe the 26 years old version of you is the result of collapsing after you were being solid for a long time in the past years, every tsunami hit you, took a part of you away from you until nothing is left of 26 years old version now.
You did not question why people behave in a certain way? In fact, you did not put much of a thought into it, you just stepped away.
But now, the 26 years old is always overthinking people’s behaviors. Why do they treat her that way? She never got an answer.
You grew up as an introvert, not sure if it is your nature or people forced you to be, but you enjoyed your solitude. And this has never changed.
You were sensitive, as fragile as a thin wafer, you could not handle the disrespect nor the hurt. And still.
Despite everything, you were happy, truly happy by nature, you laughed from the bottom of your heart, you did not know how it is like to have the entire world as a burden on your shoulders.
The 26 years old knows that when you want to do something, you go all the way. It is, or not at all.
You grew up to be that way still. And despite the troubles, the 26 years old refuses to do things halfway or not so much.
AN APOLOGY
The 26 years old version apologizes for everyone who hurt you intentionally, despite knowing that you are still a little child, and you did not deserve to shed a single tear out of pain.
She apologizes for everyone who neglected you and made you feel less worthy.
She apologizes for whoever made your childhood such a nightmare, but you have grown through it all.
She apologizes for the ones who did not appreciate you nor the efforts you made to please them.
She apologizes for all the dreams that did not come true.
She apologizes for everything you wanted to be but couldn’t.
She apologizes for the love you could not experience.
A CONFESS
The 26 years old version of you is mature, but you were not, she wishes you were. Lots of things might have changed.
You would have said no to the things you did not want. Back in time, you might be aware of what is not good for you, but it is always the our-parents-know-better thing that wins in the end.
Hey, the 26 years old version had lost all the passion you used to have, you used to have the power to fight through because your passion was stronger than anything and it kept moving you forward, but she has to admit that she is nearly losing all of it now, she doesn’t know how to earn it back once and for all.
YOU WERE WRONG
You were slightly selfish, there came times where you only thought of yourself, and what you wanted and made it a top priority. Your mother needed to make you happy, but you did not think of her and whether she could give you what you longed for.
You even stressed on her, until she had no choice but to get you what you wished, without realizing what she went through to make your wishes a reality.
You longed for people’s attention; you wanted them to praise you; you wanted them to feel that you are the only smart and beautiful girl in the world; you were not.
You wanted to be someone you are not to have people’s approval. Did not you know that it was draining your energy? Did not you know that you never got people’s approval no matter what you did?
You bear how shitty people treat you because you loved them, and you did not want them to leave nor be sad from you.
You were mistaken.
Guess what happened when you grew up, you could not handle more of their attitude so you the one who left in the end.
WISHES
Your hair was beautiful, I wish you never cut it.
The 26 years old wishes she could go back in time to meet you and buy you the scooter and the dress with its matching hat you were always dreaming of.
Oh, and she also wishes you were not so afraid of ghosts, because they never existed, and they will never be. Ghosts are the least scary thing the 26 years old version of you might think of now. It turned out that the reality is more terrifying.
THANK YOU
Thank you for progressing to the person the 26 years old is today, thank you for refusing to accept anything but the truth, thank you for not lying to yourself, thank you for studying hard, thank you for always trying to be the best you could.
She is still trying now, guess she will never reach the peak?
WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THE 26 YEARS OLD VERSION?
To laugh more, to truly laugh from deep inside of her heart?
To care less about the shit the world is going through?
To have more dreams?
To become passionate again?
To worry less?
To overthink less?
To play with her toys again?
SO…
This definitely not the end, there are more to come, dear.
The 26 years old missed you. She wishes she could have a time machine to get back to you, but now she is forced to be a woman, she can’t be knowing that you are still alive in her.
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