What I have been through might seem so little to other people’s struggles, But what we have in common is that we all suffer at some points in our life. The degree of suffering, high or low, That is not how we are supposed to measure them. Tough or easy, we are not supposed to compare them to one another. We will be able to feel each other if we focused on what we have in common. we are all humans, sharing the same planet, breathing the same air, and without any classifications, we all go through struggles.
Everyone does live stringent experiences, they often say that hard times make you stronger, teach you something about life and shape who you are. Yet sometimes, things can become unbearable. You don’t actually get stronger, you become weaker. Being taught lessons the hard way and who you are: became a massive mass of accumulations.
Personally, I wanted to heal. I had the full potential to become or feel better and had to accept and let go. I taught myself how to start new again, I went full speed. Though being aware of the thing that is missing in my life, I knew I had to keep going before it is too late. Because if I thought about what I lack, I will not be able to move forward.
I started to feel good again, I thought I was healed.
I was not ready, I was not aware of the triggers that drove me back to the starting point. I began to feel the same negative feelings again,
add to that I became frustrated because I thought I have finally healed, with no ashes remained and no accumulations form the past. It turned out that I am not, I still can smell the ashes and feel the burden of these accumulations.
It only happened when I exposed myself to the triggers, I felt limited because I can’t always control them, they can hit me at any time.
We all are familiar with the triggers, they might be different from one another but their effect on us is identical. Though the way we respond and react to them can diverse.
The triggers can be as simple as looking at an old photo that brings back how you used to feel in it compared to how you are feeling now, a memory that can put tears on your face, a person you’ve lost, the pain you feel without them and how it would have been better if they were around, or even hearing people criticize you harshly knowing that you don’t have the ability to prove them wrong.
All the triggers can leave doubts in yourself and make you feel the ache again. Then you are left without knowing what you are supposed to feel, the pain or the spirit of moving on.
It is not easy to handle nor untie yourself from these experiences, it takes effort, it takes running against the wind, it takes time. you might go 10 step back after you have made a progress of a single step forward. you might lose control and break down. Your tears will fall.
Handling the feelings and thoughts second be second, and fighting through the windstorm could be the only option for you to survive. You have to try because you need to live.
“I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything ’til I break away from me
And I will break away, and find myself today” – LINKIN PARK, Somewhere I Belong.
I NEED TO FIND MYSELF, I NEED TO LIVE.