I am Getting Used to Solitude: It Is Scary

Do you remember that guy in your class who always used to sit on his own, eat on his own, had very few friends, and he rarely talked or got involved with anyone?

That’s me now.

It even became a choice. Yes, I prefer being on my own, I prefer living on my own bubble, and I freak out if this bubble got burst somehow due to life fluctuations.

Do you see quarantine that almost everyone complains about? It is actually a paradise for me.

It has been like that for a few years now. After I had graduated, I tended to isolate myself gradually away from life, and away from people.

I fell in love with my daily routine which does definitely seem boring for others, I wake up, prepare breakfast, watch an anime, prepare a cup of tea, work, then work some more, workout, study for whatever online courses I enrolled in (I avoid live ones), Prepare lunch, listen to music, check social media, Maybe work later, and so on.

This is my main routine, which only involves interacting with my family and my cats.  

There might be some exceptions like going out with my best friend, which due to long distance does not often happen. Playing tennis, going to the gym, running, or buy some groceries.

As you have already noticed, this routine involves a few people and a little outdoors.

What is scary? I am getting used to it. My mood can change 180 degrees if a slight disturbance occurs.

What makes it horrifying? I won’t be able to get a life, to gain experience, to scale my work and my company, a chance to meet the one, to get married, or to have kids.

In one sleepless night, I reflected on the topic and told my mother. 

“I am getting used to solitude and I love it, but it terrifies me,” I told her.

Combine this with the failed relationship, the inability to fit in with the outside world, the doubts, and the social awkwardness.

All makes me stick to my now type of life even more.

I might not be able to adapt with changes, I might stay in the same spot in my room that if a 100 years passed by, you might come and found me there sitting-still, well only dead.

My thoughts and my desires will reflect back to the universe, and how the universe will respond? It will reflect the same vibe back at me.

What will be the consequences of my solitude? Is the question that is roaming around my head now, especially with advancing in age.

Will I be regretful? Or this is the road that God has been putting me through for a very long time now and still?

Speaking my thoughts out loud to my mother, she unsurprisingly told me, “Now, I am more terrified than you are, I don’t want you to be left alone.”

“You are with me,” I replied.

I am Getting Used to Solitude: It Is Scary
A photo was taken as a result of my loneliness while I was staying in Alexandria, Egypt.

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Peaceful Creature.

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