Autumn, when the leaves leave their trees and choose another path, to give a chance for other ones to grow back, it enlightened in her the sense of sacrificing ourselves for others to live. It is a high-level way of thinking where you don’t put yourself a priority when it is not needed and when others’ lives are more important than yours for life to continue safely; it is the same concept soldiers live by. They look for the greater cause and not for what they want inside. Selflessness was something that always struck her thinking.
Still contemplating through her room’s window, the leaves kept on falling, tracing each and every one with her eyes until it touched the ground and got thrown far away by the wind.
It was a good distraction for her thinking, but then he appeared again in her mind; she took a deep breath and tried to shake the thought of him away, but she could not help it. She secretly wanted to keep him in her mind. She closed her eyes and saw his full picture again, oh how she missed him.
It was not long since the last fight between them. In her thinking, she was not victimizing herself, but at the same time, she thought he should not either; she longed to see him trying for her, away from who was right or who was wrong, away from the heated arguments, away from the cruel words they both said, she just wanted him to put his ego away and try for her, for what he knew and love her for.
It has been a couple of days, and she resisted every occasion to text or writing to him, she stopped herself, and put the phone down, every time her heart could not resist being away from him, and every time her mind craved his assurance and touch.
She decided to leave the window alone, and let her thoughts roam inside her head without paying so much attention to them, to get started for the day.
Her plain Jeans dress with puffy sleeves that reached just above her knees was the dress she longed for him to see on her, but she took the courage and wore it today anyway and erased that desire for him to see it.
She packed her backpack and headed to her favorite cafe in town; she decided to walk there, to busy herself with moving instead of sitting inside a car and letting all the thoughts come roaming again.
As soon as she entered the cafe, the air conditioner breeze hit her face viciously reminding her of the first time they met, sat, and talked. Her heart started to beat irregularly as if it was telling her let me escape that body of yours, let’s go where he belongs.
She found the nearest empty table and sat. She put herself in the mood to work and grabbed her tea and her cheese croissant. And got drowned in the stats, analytics, emails, and articles.
After a while, she decided to have a break and read her book; it was a self-help book that claimed that it changed half a million people’s lives; it changed their way of thinking by training their minds to a new pattern so their life has changed in return. It even claims that it improved someone’s eyesight. WHOA, that is a bit of a claim!!
But it is not new every self-help book should have these kinds of claims right in the beginning, and half a million was a huge number, she thought, when she headed to read the book reviews, they were pretty much positive, so maybe it was not just another sluggish self-help book, that left her frustrated at the end just because it did not work for her and worked for many others, she hoped this book would not be one of them, because, from the look of it, it seemed promising or so she thought.
She went about reading and reading about how people changed their life, and the more she read, the more it left her doubting she could do it too. It is her evilest enemy, doubt!
But she pushed right through it. She would not lose if she tried, she thought.
And as her mind was swimming in the ocean of the book and her thoughts, she felt a familiar halo standing right beside her table. She knew.
“It’s been a couple of days, but felt like thousands,” he said.
She could not utter a single word. Her hands were shaking, her heart was jumping up and down, and her mind just stopped working. She looked away and adjusted her hair nervously.
He extended his hand to her, and she did the same. They shook hands and allowed himself to sit.
His hand was colder than usual, just a sign of being nervous, too.
After a few seconds of not saying a single word just contemplating each other’s eyes, oh how she missed them, these eyes of his that captivated every single part of her mind and soul, they had the greens and the blues, much like nature, she could swim every ocean and walk every forest on earth just by a single glance into his eyes.
“I will get a drink, okay?” He finally said.
She nodded, “want something?” He asked.
She pointed at her drink as a way of saying no thank you. He smiled and headed to the barista counter.
She could not take her eyes off him, but most importantly, how he knew she would be here today, she guessed that he just tried his luck, that was why he seemed nervous, and his hand was icy cold because he was not 100% sure she would be here, but they still got a lot to talk about and she did not have the energy for that, she wished she could just throw everything behind her back and start new again, but that is not how relationships work, you gotta sort everything out to leave no room for accumulations because as time goes by these accumulations will take over and might burn everything down to ashes and love alone won’t be able to revive it.
He came back with his favorite drink; he looked like a rock star today, despite the fact that he did not prefer rock music, but he could fit into any rock concert with this black outfit, boots, and the long necklace that has a pendant stone.
As he was sitting, He acted as if something else caught his attention. She smiled and looked at whatever he was looking at.
“What?” He asked.
“What?” She replied.
“I love the dress, btw,” he said.
She look at it, then smiled at him, “thank you.”
He took her hand, and held it. “I miss you,” he said.
She held his hand even tighter and felt shyness take all over her, and smiled that silly smile of hers. There was a desire to change it into a better one or hide it even, but she got tired of trying. She leaned to his shoulder and felt she belonged again.
He grabbed her hair and massaged it, that is it, that when she begs for time to stop, and for god to rid her of every painful experience she lived, she lift her head to meet his eyes, “Let’s not talk about what happened at least today,” she said.
He nodded, then ran his right thumb over her cheeks. “At least be sure of the fact that I truly love you,” he said.
She nodded as tears started to escape from her eyes. He wiped them away and kissed her forehead. “You alright?” He asked her.
“Never been better, are you?” She asked.
“Never been better,” he responded.
The sky started to get cloudy outside, and the broadcast did not expect rain today, but it seemed that nature had other plans beyond expectations. Though the outside looked gloomy, it was full of hope and life, much like people with a heavy past, despite the fact that it was full of lots of catastrophic events, they still maintain their shine and the softness of their hearts.
It is a bit of a challenge, to maintain a white heart in a world that can easily in one mere second rid you of it, it is an ability god has already given to very few people, just to balance the world out, they are few because one thousand of them equal only one evil person, the main issue is that they doubt themselves they could really change the world.
Roaming with her thoughts again, through the glass as she was resting on his shoulder.
“Hey, enjoying these moments of just pure silence with you,” he said.
She looked at him and smiled. She took his hand and looked directly into his eyes, and asked,
“Are you free today?”
“Yes, I am,” he responded.
“Is it possible to go to your home? It is the safest place I have ever been to. I want to feel that feeling again,” she asked.
“Let’s go,” he said as he was standing and grabbing his stuff while helping her with hers.
20 minutes later, they reached his home, and as soon as they entered, it started to rain heavily.
“Glad we reached home before we got wet,” he winked.
A sentence that held two meanings, one clear and the other mysterious, and the wink explained the latter.
She grabbed his arm. “Read something to me from your favorite book,” she asked him.
He went to his library, grabbed a book, and sat beside her on the couch; he put his arm around her and grabbed her tight beside him. She rested on his shoulder and closed her eyes to live the full experience, with his voice reading and the background sound of the rain. It could not be more perfect.
After a whole 30 minutes of him reading non-stop, and she listening and feeling every word coming out of his mouth, it started to get dark outside, rain has stopped, and just silence was there. He lift her chin, looked deeply into her eyes, and leaned to press his lips against hers.
Melting in between his arms and against his body, he put the book down on the disk and grabbed her face with his two hands this time, and started to kiss her even more passionately.
It was not about the spike of hormones; it was about showing his feelings in every way possible to make her believe these beautiful moments, even for a few seconds, to try to undo all the disbelief she had in herself.
The connection or the chemistry.
Connection is a much deeper word, to be able to connect with one person in every state they are in, to be able to feel them read their eyes without them uttering a single word, to settle for them for a lifetime, to feel their pain, and give them comfort, to not take anything personally and understand their background, is something that takes a lot of effort and work maybe through the years, if they truly want each other.
How we will be able to do that with these heavy pasts we had? She thought as she was looking at him and smiled.
He smiled back, not sure what was actually on her mind at that moment.
Was this the reality, or was she living a dream still?
It was a dream still.