I hope you are alright, though I sometimes see that you are having a good time, other times I see you are unhappy and upset, that all I want to do is to text you and ask you “why aren’t you okay?” But it’s no longer possible.
I knew it all from the content you upload. There is no other way for me now to know because we descended from lovers to just people who follow each other.
I want you to know that I have been thinking about you a lot, not in an obsessive nor sickly way, but thinking about you the healthy way. Some days are better than others tho. Sometimes I feel okay with reality and other days my tears just turn to blood because you are no longer here. Sometimes I feel so angry with you, and with myself, other days I feel like I just want to look into your eyes and get lost.
Last time when we had dinner together, I knew right after you showed up that it is all over between us, I just wanted to see you for one last time, to enjoy your presence for a few more hours, to hear you read to me, to see what have you been working on, I just wanted to relive that for one last time.
As soon as we finished and get out of the restaurant, I felt this mental gap between me and you, that I have never ever felt before, you kept a distance, or in another word you avoided me, tho I knew it was over but I wanted you to see you say it, and it hurt me even more that you didn’t say that you are breaking up with me directly, but instead you said that we would put this on hold and that we should have done this long time ago.
I walked down the streets, and tried to be okay, tried to accept. It was a push for me personally to go and do something good for myself, to write goals, and to invade my fears.
I had that sense that I should better myself, and it felt good instantly. I have realized that I put all the effort into you to make you feel better and happy, and neglected myself. I literally was doing it all for you. I tried to fight with your past, but I could not win. The present was not strong enough to beat your past, nor was I sure if it was my battle to fight in the first place or yours! I did not love myself the way I should. When we broke up, I tried to pour love into myself.
And now I have a love for you that is purer than ever, funny it’s getting stronger, I have no idea how I am gonna move on, it’s tough for my mind to comprehend that you and I are going separate ways now, not thinking of it as if I am living the denial, but we were supposed to be twin flames, you took my soul for me and I just can’t seem to get it back.
And how to get the physical attraction to you out of my mind? How come I formed a bond with you? How come I always sense that harmony between our bodies and souls?
Sometimes I go back and reread our texts, or close my eyes and relive our best moments. I go back to remember how we fell in love, how it was natural and pure. Relistening to your voice notes always gives me the chills, oh how much I admire that voice of yours.
Remember when I told you that you have nothing but green flags? You have raised the bar so much for me more than ever.
I love when you smile; I love when you eat, and when you live with your music, when you drive, and when you talk passionately about something you love, I will miss your football news and achievements in it, I will miss your late night calls, I will miss “I need you.” I will miss “I miss you.”
I was surprised when you expressed your wish to marry me. I was happy, but I was not sure how I am gonna be able to do it, with all that I am, with all that I am living. I was always afraid to let you down. I was always feeling inadequate.
We haven’t known each other’s for long but it felt like It had been years; I saw a side of you that probably a few of your close friends have seen, the delicate and the overly sensitive turned into this silent wolf that’s full of rage and exaggerated dignity.
I was no different. The smart and the open-minded turned into a crying, spoiled child that needs to be held and hugged by a father figure.
I tried to contain the wolf in you, but I wasn’t qualified enough; I tried to keep you, so when I look back one day I won’t regret it because I have tried the problem was I was the only one who was trying.
Every day I had to fight the urge to just walk up, get dressed, get you breakfast and your favorite Starbucks drink and show up right at your doorstep, then I remind myself that I am no longer needed or wanted.
On other days I feel like I am gonna see you while I am walking past the spot where you used to wait for me, but you made me feel that I wasn’t worth that much effort.
I heard from a dating expert that if a guy really wants you, he will keep you.
It was an obvious sign that I am not worth it enough.
To be fair, I am kinda used to that. The only guy who thought I am worthy was my first love. It was obvious until the last moment in his life, I never thought I would mean so much to someone.
But after him, I have rarely seen people fighting to keep me.
I thought you would; I thought you would.
I am tough to handle; I am aware; I am just not as bad as you thought…
You came anyway and give my life a whole other meaning, but I like to use the phrase, it is what it is. Something is comforting about it.
Something worth mentioning too is that I admire how loyal you are to the girl you love, you still remember her, and write for and about her, it’s something that we rarely see today, and you even do that unapologetically, as if it is something your current girlfriend had to accept because you can never move on from her. I admire this a lot about you as a friend, but as a lover, it hurts deep down to the core of my heart.
Although I have lived a similar story, I was able to move on, he is always in my memory tho, and he would want me to move on and give the love I had for him to someone who truly deserves, whom I would make him feel unique and cherished, he would want me to be happy and live, that was his wish.
All in all, I am not sure how tough it is for you to handle the situation as you are an emotional person and you depend a lot on your feelings to get going in your life; it is like a fuel that keeps you up and running in all the areas of your life. Sharing everything with someone is your secret spell to always feel motivated and supported.
I understand how hard it is for you now to not be able to do that. I hope it only gets better with you.
I am still feeling this knot in my chest. It makes things heavy to handle and accept. It is painful that no smile or laugh can make it fade away. I don’t know when I will ever be okay, especially with you making zero effort, and putting other girls in the equation between me and you. I won’t chase what was never mine. And I hope one day I will wake up and find no love for you remaining in my whole being.
All in all, I want you to know that you have been always special to me. I hope you are and will always be alright. In all the dreams I had for you, you were always smiling, so that is a good sign you will be fine.
I hope you find the love that you have always dreamt of and I hope it will be sooner than ever, it will hurt seeing you with somebody else, but deep down I know it is god’s plan and I always trust him in whatever he chooses.
Promise, you will be okay.