Personal Boundaries were something new to my language. “What are they? They are hard to set. People will get mad at me.” I thought.
But I have reached a state of my mind where everything was stressful, I let people say the hell they want.
I did not express, and if I express (rarely) they don’t take me seriously, and make a joke out of it, say stuff like “hey, this is not a big deal ha ha,” and I believed them, not myself, and let the hurt get accumulated through the years and they don’t even know, because I always end up greeting them with a smile
Over the years, I have been only playing the (saver) role. I want to make everyone happy, and show them the good side of life, and I genuinely love doing this.
But do you know what does a saver with no boundaries attract? The victim.
The one who constantly complains about how tough and unfair life is on them, and how people are constantly are bad to them, and how their circumstances aren’t in their favor.
This is a playground for the saver. The victim is a person who needs to be saved, so the saver comes and tries everything to save them to let them know hey there is light at the end of the tunnel.
And the cycle begins, because the victim doesn’t need anything but attention, so the saver will be dragged down running in a circle with the victim.
In no time, the saver’s energy will be drained, stress becomes the only word they know in the dictionary.
And guess what when the saver says to the victim, “no, that’s enough, I have had enough.”
In this situation, the victim will either manipulate the situation to let the saver know that what they have just said is wrong or by saying “you are hurting me.” The saver in some situations will believe the victim and got dragged into their circle again.
In other situations, if the saver said once and for all “enough is enough, I can’t anymore.” The victim (no matter how close they were to each other) will put the saver on the blacklist of people who destroyed their life and broke their hearts.
They will drown the saver in the ocean of guilt.
It is like (Do you really want to get away with it easily?)
I have been drowning in the ocean of guilt for so many years and with many people.
But once I learned about boundaries, I felt a relief, personal boundaries are supposed to make you comfortable and if people are immature enough to not respect them or get mad at you, then that’s how you can easily know that these people are insecure and must be out of your life.
I also felt like a heavy burden has lifted off my shoulder once I learned that the Saver does not have to be responsible for other people’s actions or emotions or views on life.
But The saver is not angelic, they might appear angelic because they are trying to help and save the world, but in fact, they are stressing themselves with shit they are not even aware of, and in a way, it satisfies their inner needs.
Mark Manson’s said in his own article about boundaries, The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.
What To Do?
Grab a list, write the things that you won’t accept in your relationships with people, and if it happens that someone oversteps them, express yourself boldly and respectfully if they get mad then it is a deal-breaker, if they understand and promise to not overstep again then they are gold.
Know your worth, treat yourself with love and respect, and put yourself a priority, not in a way that you become obsessed with yourself but in a way that if someone oversteps your boundaries, you can stand up for yourself because you deserve to be treated with respect empathy and love. In a way that you become mindful that if you did a mistake, you realize it and take it as a step to improve.
Talk positively to yourself. This is important because if you talk negatively to yourself you will attract people how will treat you the same way, and you won’t get mad at them if they mistreat you because you might think you deserve it, anyway.
If you want to establish a healthy relationship with people, create a healthy relationship with yourself first.
It starts from within you; You own your mind.