I Appeared On Television: I Don’t Look Like Myself

So one day, I was on my way to meet my cousin, and on the way, a group of young people stopped me, they told me that they are building a small business where they offer cheaper drinks to people on the street and all the profit will go directly to a small village that does not have access to water, they will help by donating to build pipelines to give access to water from every home in that village.

“That is a great idea, but can I donate without having a drink?” I asked her.

“Of course,” she answered.

So I went ahead and put money in the small bowl they were putting, then I turned to leave, another young man stopped me and started to ask me “do you think that we are doing a great job?”

“Of course, I salute each and every one of you for thinking of other people and their needs. God bless you all,” I answered.

He continued with some more questions. Then I greeted him and left. As I was walking another man was standing far away stopped me and asked me if I got a minute.

I joked with him and said no why? And I laughed

It was unusual for me because I don’t normally joke with strangers but the whole atmosphere was encouraging somehow; I don’t know; it was weird in a good way.

“It is all set up, and this is a part of a program that will be broadcasted during Ramadan, we are basically spreading the awareness that people still have good in them, and the program encouraged people to do good things in their day-to-day life. Do you accept appearing on the show?” he asked.

“That’s nice of you all, but I don’t like to appear if that is possible.” I said.

We spent like 20 minutes arguing and him trying to convince me to give him an ok to appear on the show, but I was so determined to not appear.

I told him I am not a fan of showing that I do good and all that I just prefer to do it in secret.

“why you took it that way, you could inspire people to do just like you.” he said.

This was my main reason, but at the back of my mind, I knew there was other reason. I am basically not comfortable with how I look.

So we settled on not appearing and I told him I have an appointment and I have to go.

Fast froward month later, as I was scrolling on Facebook, I came across the page of the program. And here she is. Myself.

They showed the part where I asked the girl if can donate and me putting the money inside the bowl but not the talk I had with the young guy.

At first, I was upset because we agreed they should cut me off, and apparently, that did not happen, but then I digested it, no big deal, I can’t change it, not that I’m going to sue the channel for these few second plus it a program was originally made for a good cause so…

As soon as I got the hang of the issue above, I looked closely at the video. “Is this me?” I asked myself.

It is like these past six years transformed me into a skeleton. It is like I have not looked at myself in the mirror during these years.

“Who is that girl? I don’t remember looking like this,” I told myself.

Of course, I’m not going to share the video here, or at least for now, since I’m not comfortable sharing it on my platforms.

But it is very upsetting because all of this time I thought I looked a certain way, and then later I found out that I’m not. I look so different from what I thought looked; it is like I have stepped outside of myself and looked from a different perspective.

That is why one of my desire was to work as a model not for the hype and the privileges but as a way to keep reminding myself how I appear to the world and to keep my memory fresh of how I actually look like and not what I think I look like.

I know I still can see myself by doing YouTube or even TikTok videos but it is too late now; you think I have the audacity to?

It is a long path to accept oneself for not what you think you are but for whom you actually are.

This does not apply to only on how we look but to also our personalities. We need to step outside ourselves from time to time in order to have a clear picture.

I Appeared On Television: I Don't Look Like Myself
The photo was taken in Cairo, Egypt. Follow me on Instagram for more.

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Peaceful Creature.

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