What have I become?

What have I become?

When I look in the mirror, I no longer recognize myself. Who is this girl? what have I become?

A yellow face that only consists of skin and bones, shallow sleepy eyes, dry lips, messy eyebrows, and dull hair. The darkness inside of me is reflecting on the way I look. I am no longer the girl I used to be? I am no longer the bright, and flower-like face.

I started to buy some make-up to bring these mummified eyes back to life, to rose up these pale cheeks, and to give these lips a full-of-life color. But once I finished getting ready, I found out that I am not satisfied with this, I used to look good naturally, and my hair used to be healthy and shiny on its own.

I got bangs.

I loved them, I finally loved the way I look. but soon until I realized that it was only a way to hide how skinny my face is, and how exhausted my eyes are. besides, I was destroying my hair with the constant use of heat. No, I don’t want things to get even worse.

I got rid of them. back to normal or ugly…

How to take better selfies.

I hate every time I accidentally open the front camera on my phone. Who is this mummy? why these eyes are so goofy?

A video on youtube. I decided to watch. I tried it. and failed. I have experimented with every angle and different lighting. Unsurprisingly, The mummy is still there with these big fat eyes…

In the past, I did not even have to try, but now I always try hard, I try very hard to look good.

What is happening to me?

The struggle I go through every single day is making me avoid mirrors, avoid people and be afraid of people’s judgments. I would collapse if I hear any negative comment on me. Not that I care about what people think, it will just make me feel that I have failed in all my tries, or it would make me think that I am not trying hard enough. I would only stress myself to try more and harder as a result. I would break down either way.

self-worth, self-confidence.

I have not been taught to have those values. I have not been trained to embrace who am I. I never learned to be satisfied. all I know is I have to meet up with the high standards and to level up to my self-expectations.

You are not beautiful enough. You are straight up ugly.

Yes, that what I used to hear growing up. It was the worst humiliation I have ever heard. I heard it directly and indirectly from close and stranger ones. Now, what do I expect myself to be? What do I expect when I look in the mirror?

In the past few years, I lost all sense with myself, things got even worse. on the other hand, people started to appreciate me, My mind and my beauty.

Why were not these people around when I was younger and full of life, Now that I am dead and already developed many insecurities throughout the years how I am able to believe them?

Are you alright?

Today, Someone has seen through me, She looked into my eyes and said it.

“Why your face is so weak?” She Said.

I desperately smiled.

“I can tell, you are not feeling good mentally. It is all in your mind, we go through hard times but they will pass, please don’t let them mess with your mind, Let go, all shall pass.” she said.

At least, i know now that the tired face i see in the mirror is real, People now notice it. I am not hallucinating.

Neglection, Death, Abandonment.

Among all catastrophic life events, I am standing there with so little hope that always keeps me going. Hope, the source of my energy that pushes me to keep trying and thriving for betterment.

Daydreaming

Everything seems possible, Just have patience and everything will come to happen and be real, it gives temporary relief, it draws a smile on many faces. am I only deceiving myself? For how long should I believe?

Wishes

Full-of-life Face. Energized Body. A smart focused mind.

Other wishes

The Lover.

Last but not least

What have I become? I don’t know. I no longer the one I used to be, but who was I in the first place?

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