If you have not read part one After You Have Left (Feelings After a Breakup), I encourage you to go and read it first.
I went back and read that post along with others but I pause at that one specifically because I believed it needs to be updated.
As I was reading through, I realized that the main source of my sadness of the break up was putting the blame on myself alone, I did not want to blame him nor I ever will, but it is more about accusing myself of not making the relationship work.
I was cursed by his so good personality, I tended to justify everything for him and criticize myself instead, I thought that I was always the bad one, and I was never good enough.
While I was reading the first part I asked myself, did I write it to get his attention to text me back again? to let him know how bad I feel without him, or to let him know that he did nothing wrong and it was only because of the harsh circumstances?
I was aware of the rigid situation we were both put into, no matter what we did we could not be able to make the relationship work, and I accepted the reason of him leaving, but I wanted him back anyway, in between my words “come back” was written with a secret code that I knew he was the only one who was going to decipher it.
But writing about him did not do much to me as it did to him, it satisfied his ego.
Accepting, Really Accepting This Time
The feelings I have now are different. He left and it is a reality not because of anything but the fact that it was his choice. And I am not the one to blame.
From another perspective, he left, which was a god’s sign trying to tell me “don’t ever continue loving him, because he left, it is over now.”
And he did not leave me once, nor twice, but thrice, I did not get the god’s message until the third time.
Do we have to be hit more than a few times in order to understand? I am not entirely sure.
Even worse my last texts were left unseen, abandoned for two months and then he read them but they are left now unanswered.
Speaking of the things that can kill your self-esteem along with your confidence.
I was making excuses I was hoping for the best with him and that what kept me addicted to trying over and over again, I was blinded by how things really were. On top of that, I did not want to be left alone with myself.
Now, that I am mindful of the whole situation, He made his choice and left me no room but to accept.
In the last post, I accepted but I was holding on to it, now I accepted and moved on.
After knowing it is completely over, I began to look inside of myself, how much I neglected it because I was running after a guy who in the end chose to leave.
I felt hollow, where did the inside of myself go?
I lost it.
It was the main reason why I did not want to be left alone with myself because I would be left with nothing.
I felt the necessity to build myself from the inside and from scratch, one brick at a time until I regain the things I lost to the love that in fact never wanted me.
I stopped running, I stopped rushing.
I learned more about living and life, I cleared the blurry version and the filter of having a partner before it is too late. Learning about what living truly is was the first brick I put.
“Never thought I would learn so much about living by living without you”Night Traveler – Ghost Hotel.
When I first heard that line from the Night Travel song I said yes exactly, how much I was missing out, how much I ran after illusions that love can heal the wounds, whilst it was noting but analgesic to how bad I felt and an escape to anywhere but myself.
It was not what I thought it would be.
I once asked him “How are you so at peace with yourself and the world?’
He replied, “Because I control my little piece of my world, it does not control me.”
I was among the things he had control over in his little piece of his world that when I began to disturb his peace of mind he simply switched me off.
It was his choice.
I also have the choice, in the past I chose him, but now I choose myself.
The End. It is really The End this time.